Grief is not a single emotion, instead it’s a mix of lots of strong emotions. There’s fear, anxiety, anger, guilt. On top of that there’s disorientation because suddenly the world doesn’t work like it used to. And there are secondary losses – they might have lost their income, their home, or even relationships.
On top of all of this are the physical responses in the early days. The fight or flight reaction has been triggered and their body is flooded with stress hormones which are exhausting them. There’s likely a general numbness And there’s the overall brain fog that sets in.
Your friend or loved one is not themselves right now and they likely won’t be for a while. They may even become a different person than the one they were before their life was torn apart. You have to give them room to be whatever they need to be.
Knowing this, here are some practical guidelines for helping them.
1. Your Presence Matters More Than Your Words
- Grief can’t be solved with words — just being there can help
- Words can be inadequate; sometimes just sit beside them, doing something or nothing
- Resist the urge to “fix” things by talking
2. Offer Concrete Help, Not Open-Ended Offers
- Don’t just ask “how can I help?” — their brain fog and numbness make decisions hard
- Provide 3 concrete choices instead (e.g., mowing the lawn, school pickup, dinner on Tuesdays)
- For things like meals, coordinate a meal train yourself — don’t make them organize it
- Don’t force help where it’s not wanted; offer options and respect if they decline
3. Keep Offering, Even After They Say No
- The first answer is often “no” — that doesn’t mean stop
- Offer once a week initially, then shift to once a month as time goes on
- Their needs will change as brain fog lifts and the reality of their loss sets in
4. Avoid Common but Harmful Phrases
- Skip lines like “they’re in a better place,” “everything happens for a reason,” “I know how you feel,” or “you need to be strong and move on”
- These minimize their pain instead of helping them cope
- Don’t assume faith in God is more comforting than it actually is — the person is still gone, and that pain remains
5. Respect Their Need for Space — At First
- Expect them to turn down most invitations early on
- Don’t take social withdrawal personally — they’re managing too much internally to take on others’ emotions or expectations too
6. Stay Consistent for the Long Haul
- Friends often stop reaching out right when the grieving person is ready to reconnect
- Set a monthly reminder to invite them to low-key things like a coffee date (large gatherings can be overstimulating)
- Don’t just offer help once — keep it up weekly at first, then monthly
7. Let Them Lead the Conversation
- Follow their cues — sometimes they’ll want to talk about the loss, sometimes they’ll want lighter topics
- When the moment feels right, share memories and say their loved one’s name — this keeps the memory alive and shouldn’t be avoided out of fear it’ll cause more sadness
8. Coordinate With Others (With Permission)
- Ask if you can update specific people on their behalf, so they’re not stuck repeating the same conversations
- This reduces the emotional load of managing everyone else’s need for updates
9. Remember Key Dates
- Mark birthdays, the anniversary of the loss, holidays, and other meaningful dates
- Reach out on these days, since they can be especially hard. Let them know you’re thinking of them but don’t require a response.
10. Understand That Grief Has No Timeline
- A good day doesn’t mean grief is over — it comes in waves, even after things seem better
- Grief isn’t linear, and there’s no date by which someone should be “over it”
When my husband died, there was no grief support available to me. I had to find my way through grief and rebuild my life all on my own. I’m now on a mission to make sure that no one else has to go through grief alone.
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