Before you can help a friend in grief you first need to understand a little about grief.
Grief is not a single emotion, instead it’s a swirl of different emotions. There’s fear because they couldn’t stop the worst from happening so perhaps they can’t stop the next bad thing from happening. There’s anxiety related to this. There’s anger because something they loved was taken away from them against their will. This anger can have lots of targets – the doctors, other people, themselves, or even the person they lost. There’s guilt because they’re only human and so they could have done something different or better. Add to that survivor’s guilt. On top of that there’s disorientation because suddenly the world doesn’t work like it used to. Whatever roles that person filled in their life are now big holes to fall into.
Additionally, there are secondary losses. They might have lost their income or their home. They might have lost their relationships with that persons’ friends or family. They may no longer have the ability to travel or explore because they relied on the person they lost to take the lead. All of these secondary losses need to be mourned as well.
On top of all of this are the physical responses in the early days. The fight or flight reaction has been triggered and their body is flooded with stress hormones which are exhausting them. There’s likely a general numbness which is nature’s way of giving them time to slowly absorb their loss. And there’s the overall brain fog that sets in.
Your friend or loved one is not themselves right now and they likely won’t be for a while. They may even become a different person than the one they were before their life was torn apart. You have to give them room to be whatever they need to be.
You could be dealing with someone who is overwhelmed with all the changes in their life, can’t handle lots of people or large social gatherings, struggles to make decisions, is prone to emotional outbursts, and just wants to be alone. Knowing this, here are some practical guidelines for helping them.
- Avoid saying things like “they are in a better place,” “everything happens for a reason,” “I know how you feel,” or “you need to be strong and move on,” as these minimize the others’ pain and don’t help them cope with everything they’re dealing with.
- Don’t assume that faith in God is more comforting in grief than it actually is. The person is still gone from their life and faith doesn’t change that pain.
- Resist the urge to try and fix things with words. Words can be inadequate in times of grief, so consider just sitting beside them – doing something, or nothing.
- At first they’re likely to turn down most invitations to socialize. Do not feel hurt if they socially isolate themselves. They are doing this because they are dealing with so much internally that they can’t handle the addition of other people’s emotions or expectations.
- In time they will emerge from that stage and need others around them. Unfortunately, by that time they often find their friends aren’t reaching out anymore. So set a reminder to reach back out to them every month and invite them to low key events like coffee dates. Large social gatherings are likely too much stimulation for a while.
- Follow their lead. Let them guide your conversations. Sometimes they’ll want to talk about what’s going on and sometimes they’ll want a break from discussing their loss and might prefer lighter topics.
- When the opportunity does present itself, share memories and say their loved one’s name. This helps keep their memory alive and shouldn’t be avoided out of concern it will cause them additional sadness.
- Recognize their mental fatigue. Instead of saying “let me know if I can help,” offer specific, simple choices like mowing the lawn, taking their kids to school, or bringing dinner on Tuesday nights.
- Don’t force your help where it’s not wanted. Offer help by providing options and respect their decision if they decline.
- Don’t just offer help once. Offer help weekly at first, then monthly after the initial month. As their brain fog lifts and the reality of their new situation sets in, their needs or responses may change.
- With permission, keep relevant people updated about their ongoing needs. When someone is overwhelmed, they may not want frequent, repeat conversations. Ask if you can inform specific individuals on their behalf.
- Mark significant anniversaries—birthdays, loss dates, holidays or other meaningful days—in your calendar. Reach out on these days to acknowledge their potential difficulty.
- Don’t assume that because someone appears to be better they are no longer grieving. Having a good day doesn’t mean there aren’t bad days. The reality is that grief is ongoing and comes in waves.
- Keep in mind that there is no timeline for grief. It’s not linear and there’s no specific date when someone should be “over it”.
This app is a wonderful tool to give someone in grief. It is designed to help them process all the emotions we mentioned above. It also provides tools to help them navigate the changes in their life. But as with everything, it can’t be forced upon them. Let them know that it’s available to them when they feel ready to use it. We won’t start the yearlong subscription until they submit the information to us.
Note: The Grief App launches in early April. Our gift subscriptions will be available for purchase soon after launch. Please fill out this form to be contacted as soon as they are available.
