One of the biggest myths is that grief lasts a year. This is easily disproven by the fact that the number one time when people seek grief counseling is 5 years after their loss. And, the second biggest time that people seek grief support is one year after their loss.

How many people are surprised to find that they’re still struggling, long after the funeral is over?When working with families at my funeral home, or with clients in private practice, I often see an endpoint-oriented approach to grief. I always notice that, because that is how my brain operates, too. The thing about grief is: That approach doesn’t actually work. Grief takes the time it takes, regardless of the plans we have for ourselves.

Many use time to establish limits for when our experiences will resolve. “I just need to get through the day of the funeral” or “I heard that grief is typically a 6-12 month process, so I should be done with it by the 12 month mark.” We can set goals to achieve these things. And, in the mindset of taking things one step at a time, we may manage high-intensity situations better in small doses. However, it is important to manage our expectations. And, although grief does carry its own momentum, often leaving us feeling out of control, we can survive the grief experience.

Having tasks and goals in mind for our grief journey can be healthy, and helpful. Grief is not linear, though. For this reason, being easier on ourselves is important.

Just as there are no guarantees in life, there are no guarantees in grief. This is why the “Year One” concept is not magic – it’s actually unrealistic for many people.

With the help of family, friends, coaches, counselors, grief support apps like The Grief App, grief support groups, 24/7 grief support (yes, even at 2am), we can learn tools for what will help us in our grief journey, and learn how to better deal with grief.

“Year One” may very well be magic for some, but it may not be magic for you. And that’s okay. If timelines are your thing, consider setting smaller time goals to tackle step-by-step. And, pay close mind to how your heart, mind, and body are feeling as you enter into the way things look for you today. Following our intuition for what feels right, and what doesn’t, gifts us with agency in our grief experience, and can help us to see a pathway moving forward, one step at a time.